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Guide

How to Stop Thinking About Sex All the Time

By , author of Sound Mind · Published · How we source

The short answer

Stop trying to push sexual thoughts out of your mind, because suppressed thoughts tend to return.1 Treat each thought as something to watch rather than obey. Notice it, name it (“there’s that thought again”), and let it pass while you get on with what you were doing. Then cut the cues that set the thoughts off, starting with your phone at night.

Your thoughts aren’t orders. You can let them come and go and still be the one who decides what you do.

You read the same paragraph of an email three times because a thought keeps cutting in. At night your mind runs reruns you never asked for. If that’s most days, you’re not broken. Unwanted thoughts are close to universal: when researchers interviewed university students in 13 countries, more than nine in ten had had at least one in the past three months.2

So stop counting the thoughts. Watch the moments after one arrives. That’s where your say is, and handling those moments is a skill you can train.

Why can’t I stop thinking about sex all the time?

Two things keep the thoughts coming, and you can change both: cues you don’t choose, and the habit of building on a thought once it lands.

In craving research, a cue, like the phone in your hand or a late hour, sparks a thought you never asked for. If that thought hints at pleasure or relief, your mind starts adding to it, mostly in pictures. That adding is what grows a passing thought into a craving.3

Mood feeds it too. When 919 men were surveyed, roughly a fifth said they felt more interest in sex when anxious or stressed. The pattern was far stronger in men who felt out of control.4 A survey can’t prove cause. Still, when a thought shows up at 4 p.m. on a deadline day, ask whether it’s really about sex.

Is it normal to think about sex so much as a man?

On their own, frequent sexual thoughts aren’t a disorder. What counts is whether they’re making your choices for you.

The World Health Organization’s ICD-11 diagnosis for compulsive sexual behavior turns on lost control and harm, and it names no amount of desire as too much.5 A survey of adults in Croatia found the same split: people with high desire and people with lost control formed separate groups.6 You can think about sex often and still be the one steering.

High sex drive or compulsion: how to tell the difference sets the signs side by side.

Why does trying not to think about sex make it worse?

Because a thought you try to suppress tends to come back later. Psychologists call this the rebound effect.

In a classic experiment, people asked not to think of a white bear for five minutes couldn’t manage it. Afterward, they thought about the bear more than people who had been free to think about it all along. Later research found the rebound real, though modest in size.7

Surveys of religious teenagers in Israel point the same way for sexual thoughts: suppressing them went with lower well-being, a link from surveys that didn’t test the rebound itself.8

One detail from the white bear study is practical. People handed one specific thing to think about instead showed less rebound later.9 So choose where your attention will go next before the thought arrives.

How do I stop sexual thoughts in my mind?

Don’t argue with the thought, and don’t obey it. Notice it, name it, let it pass, and put your attention on your next move.

  1. Notice. You didn’t choose the first thought, so let it be. Then catch the one that follows it, the voice that starts building a case: just this once, you’ve earned it.
  2. Name it. Give it a label: There’s the late-night story. Or put a few words in front of it: I’m having the thought that… Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) calls this defusion. You step back and see the thought as a thought, instead of seeing the world through it.10
  3. Let it pass. Don’t shove it out, and don’t chase it. It can sit in the background while you do something else.
  4. Go back to what you were doing, or to a task that needs your whole attention, like the email you’ve been putting off.

Cognitive therapy for addiction calls that case-building voice a permissive belief: its only job is to give you permission.11 Its lines are predictable, so write your answers now, while you’re calm:

  • “Just this once.” That’s what I said last time.
  • “I’ve had a hard day. I deserve it.” I deserve rest. This isn’t rest.
  • “I’ve already blown it.” A slip doesn’t cancel my next choice.

Try this now

Step back from one thought. It takes about two minutes.

  1. Pick a thought that has nagged at you today. It doesn’t have to be sexual.
  2. Say it to yourself in plain words, the way it usually sounds.
  3. Say it again, starting with I’m having the thought that…
  4. Say it once more, starting with I notice I’m having the thought that…
  5. Give it a nickname, like the 11 p.m. story.

By the last version, the thought sounds a little further off, like a radio in another room. That distance is where your choice comes back.

How do I stop thinking about sex at night?

Get the phone out of the bedroom. If the thoughts build while you’re trying to sleep, get up and go to another room rather than lying there wrestling with them.

Night is when the odds are worst. A leading model describes sexual response as an accelerator and a brake: cues push the first, and stress and tiredness weaken the second.12 In lab studies, sleep loss also weakened people’s ability to stop a response.13 Late at night, alone with a screen, you have the most pull and the least brake.

Set up your night in advance:

  • Move the charger out of the bedroom. A plain alarm clock can take over the phone’s one useful night job.
  • Choose a picture task. Cravings feed on mental images, so anything that fills your mind’s eye competes with them.14 In a small study, three minutes of the puzzle game Tetris weakened cravings, including for sex.15 Off-screen, count every blue thing in the room, or walk through your route to work in your head.
  • If the thoughts start to build, get up. Go to another room, turn on a light, and do your picture task. Return to bed once you feel sleepy.

If the thoughts are only drifting and you feel calm, stay put and let them drift. My own meditation is simple: I lie on my back in bed, hands at my sides, and breathe in through my nose with long exhales. When my mind wanders, I come back to the breath.

If a thought becomes a strong physical pull, switch to urge surfing.

What makes the thoughts quieter over time?

Mostly practice. Every thought you let pass is a small lesson, and fewer cues leave fewer thoughts to practice on.

  • Cut the inputs. Unfollow every account that tends to start the reruns. Relapse prevention and cognitive therapy both begin with the situations that set a pattern off.16
  • Plan your danger hours. Write if-then plans for your riskiest moments: If it’s after 11 and I’m restless, then I’ll read in the kitchen. Across 94 tests, plans like these had a medium-to-large effect on whether people reached their goals.17
  • Let thoughts go unobeyed. In animal research, a cue loses its pull when the reward it predicts stops coming. The old pull can still flare in a new setting, like a hotel room on a work trip, because new learning sits on top of the old.18 Expect the occasional flare.

What if my sexual thoughts frighten me?

Some men aren’t drawn to their thoughts at all. The thought appalls them, they’d never act on it, and they keep checking what it says about them. That can be obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), which is treatable and needs a different approach.

Distress alone doesn’t separate OCD from other sexual thoughts, even for professionals, so don’t try to diagnose yourself.19 Have a clinician who knows OCD assess you. The first-line treatment is a form of CBT called exposure and response prevention, or ERP.20 The International OCD Foundation lists trained therapists at iocdf.org/find-help.

Until then, keep the stepping-back skill, and set aside arguing with the thoughts, checking, and seeking reassurance. Those tend to keep OCD going, and so can the picture task if it becomes a way to push thoughts out.21

If your thoughts involve children, Stop It Now offers free, confidential help to anyone worried about their own thoughts: 1-888-773-8368 (US) or 0808 1000 900 (UK).22 If those thoughts horrify you and you have no wish to act, that too can be OCD.23

What a quieter mind looks like

Picture an ordinary Tuesday once this is a habit. A thought drifts in during a work call. You notice it, think there’s that one, and you’re back in the conversation before anyone notices. That evening you read a chapter without losing the thread.

In bed, a thought or two still turns up. You let them cross your mind the way headlights cross a ceiling, and you’re asleep before you’ve built anything on them. Your drive is all there. Letting thoughts pass beats guarding the door against them all day, and the effort the guarding took now goes to your work and the people at your table.

When to get more help

These call for a professional:

  • The thoughts appall you, or checking and reassurance-seeking eat hours of your day. See an OCD-trained therapist for ERP.
  • Your thoughts involve children. Call Stop It Now, above.
  • Your drive changed suddenly, in either direction, or you started a new medication or supplement. See a doctor. Some medicines that act on dopamine list increased sexual urges as a side effect.24 Don’t stop any prescribed medicine on your own.
  • The thoughts are costing you sleep, work, or relationships, and a month of steady practice hasn’t moved them. See a CBT therapist. In one trial, 137 men were randomly assigned to group CBT or a waiting list, and the CBT group improved more.25
  • You’ve slept badly for months. Ask a doctor about CBT for insomnia, which guidelines recommend as the first treatment.26

If you’re thinking about harming yourself, don’t wait for anything else. Crisis lines answer day and night: 988 by call or text in the US, 9-8-8 by call or text in Canada, Samaritans on 116 123 in the UK and Ireland, and Lifeline on 13 11 14 in Australia. Anywhere else, findahelpline.com will find one near you.27 If your life is in danger right now, call your local emergency number.

Questions men ask

How long until the thoughts calm down?

No one can tell you when, so distrust anyone who names a date. Track the direction instead: each evening, note how many thoughts you caught yourself building on, and rate the stickiest from 0 to 10.

Will I lose my sex drive if I stop the thoughts?

Not from anything on this page. Nothing here works by lowering your drive or your testosterone. If you’ve been tempted to turn your libido down, how to lower your libido without lowering testosterone explains what that would cost.

Can a pill or supplement stop sexual thoughts?

Not reliably. Herbs marketed as libido killers lack good evidence in men.28 Treatment guidelines start with therapy. SSRIs and naltrexone are the medicines a doctor might raise, and both have tradeoffs.29 See anaphrodisiacs: what actually lowers sex drive, and what’s a myth.

Is this porn addiction?

If porn is where the thoughts lead, that’s the name most people use. This site prefers compulsion, since what’s gone wrong is choice, and your desire is fine. About 1 in 10 US men aged 18 to 50 screened positive for distress from hard-to-control sexual urges.30 See porn addiction: the signs, and a plan that works without shame.

I’m religious. Does any of this change?

The method works the same with faith or without it. If you pray, make your naming line a short prayer that lets the thought go. There are separate guides on how to stop sexual thoughts as a Christian and in Islam.

Sources

  1. Wegner DM, Schneider DJ, Carter SR, White TL. “Paradoxical effects of thought suppression.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 1987;53(1):5–13. People asked not to think of a white bear for five minutes couldn’t manage it, and afterward thought about it more than people allowed to think about it from the start. In a second experiment, people given one specific distracter thought showed less of that later preoccupation. A meta-analysis of controlled studies found the rebound real but small to moderate: Abramowitz JS, Tolin DF, Street GP. Clinical Psychology Review 2001;21(5):683–703. Strong research. PMID 3612492 · PMID 11434226↩︎

  2. Radomsky AS et al. “Part 1—You can run but you can’t hide: Intrusive thoughts on six continents.” Journal of Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders 2014;3(3):269–279. Interviews with 777 university students at 15 sites in 13 countries; 93.6% reported at least one unwanted intrusive thought in the previous three months. Sexual and other “repugnant” thoughts were the least common type. doi:10.1016/j.jocrd.2013.09.002↩︎

  3. Kavanagh DJ, Andrade J, May J. “Imaginary relish and exquisite torture: the elaborated intrusion theory of desire.” Psychological Review 2005;112(2):446–467. A theory paper. Cues trigger thoughts about a desired target; if they promise pleasure or relief, the mind elaborates on them, especially as mental images, and that elaboration competes with other tasks for the same mental space. PMID 15783293↩︎

  4. Bancroft J, Janssen E, Strong D, et al. “The relation between mood and sexuality in heterosexual men.” Archives of Sexual Behavior 2003;32(3):217–230. In this survey of 919 men, 20.6% reported more sexual interest when anxious or stressed, and 9.4% when depressed. Bancroft J, Vukadinovic Z. Journal of Sex Research 2004;41(3):225–234: a small study of 31 men who saw themselves as sexually out of control, compared with controls. Surveys, so they show a link, not cause. PMID 12807294 · PMID 15497051↩︎

  5. World Health Organization, ICD-11, code 6C72, compulsive sexual behaviour disorder. Summarized in Kraus SW et al. “Compulsive sexual behaviour disorder in the ICD-11.” World Psychiatry 2018;17(1):109–110. PMID 29352554↩︎

  6. Carvalho J, Štulhofer A, Vieira AL, Jurin T. “Hypersexuality and high sexual desire: exploring the structure of problematic sexuality.” Journal of Sexual Medicine 2015;12(6):1356–1367. One online community survey of men and women in Croatia, so it shows a pattern, not cause. PMID 25808900↩︎

  7. Wegner DM, Schneider DJ, Carter SR, White TL. “Paradoxical effects of thought suppression.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 1987;53(1):5–13. People asked not to think of a white bear for five minutes couldn’t manage it, and afterward thought about it more than people allowed to think about it from the start. In a second experiment, people given one specific distracter thought showed less of that later preoccupation. A meta-analysis of controlled studies found the rebound real but small to moderate: Abramowitz JS, Tolin DF, Street GP. Clinical Psychology Review 2001;21(5):683–703. Strong research. PMID 3612492 · PMID 11434226↩︎

  8. Efrati Y. “God, I can’t stop thinking about sex! The rebound effect in unsuccessful suppression of sexual thoughts among religious adolescents.” Journal of Sex Research 2019;56(2):146–155. Three surveys of Israeli Jewish adolescents. Suppressing sexual thoughts helped explain the link between religiosity and lower well-being. A link, not proof, and not a tested rebound. PMID 29702013↩︎

  9. Wegner DM, Schneider DJ, Carter SR, White TL. “Paradoxical effects of thought suppression.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 1987;53(1):5–13. People asked not to think of a white bear for five minutes couldn’t manage it, and afterward thought about it more than people allowed to think about it from the start. In a second experiment, people given one specific distracter thought showed less of that later preoccupation. A meta-analysis of controlled studies found the rebound real but small to moderate: Abramowitz JS, Tolin DF, Street GP. Clinical Psychology Review 2001;21(5):683–703. Strong research. PMID 3612492 · PMID 11434226↩︎

  10. Hayes SC, Luoma JB, Bond FW, Masuda A, Lillis J. “Acceptance and commitment therapy: model, processes and outcomes.” Behaviour Research and Therapy 2006;44(1):1–25; the authors called the evidence promising but not yet mature. In a meta-analysis of 66 lab studies, defusion exercises had positive effects compared with inactive conditions (Levin ME, Hildebrandt MJ, Lillis J, Hayes SC. Behavior Therapy 2012;43(4):741–756). Lab studies: promising. PMID 16300724 · PMID 23046777↩︎

  11. Beck AT, Wright FD, Newman CF, Liese BS. Cognitive Therapy of Substance Abuse. Guilford Press, 1993. A clinical text.↩︎

  12. Bancroft J, Janssen E. “The dual control model of male sexual response: a theoretical approach to centrally mediated erectile dysfunction.” Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews 2000;24(5):571–579. A theory paper. PMID 10880822↩︎

  13. Choong SY, Byrne JEM, Drummond SPA, et al. “A meta-analytic investigation of the effect of sleep deprivation on inhibitory control.” Sleep Medicine Reviews 2025;80:102042. 24 studies with 712 healthy people; sleep loss had a moderate effect on two standard stopping tasks. These are lab tasks, not urges. PMID 39700763↩︎

  14. Kavanagh DJ, Andrade J, May J. “Imaginary relish and exquisite torture: the elaborated intrusion theory of desire.” Psychological Review 2005;112(2):446–467. A theory paper. Cues trigger thoughts about a desired target; if they promise pleasure or relief, the mind elaborates on them, especially as mental images, and that elaboration competes with other tasks for the same mental space. PMID 15783293↩︎

  15. Skorka-Brown J, Andrade J, Whalley B, May J. “Playing Tetris decreases drug and other cravings in real world settings.” Addictive Behaviors 2015;51:165–170. 31 university students were prompted by text message for a week; the 15 assigned to Tetris played for three minutes after reporting a craving. Craving strength fell by an average of 13.9 points out of 100, for drugs, food and drink, and activities including sex. One small study: promising, not proven. PMID 26275843↩︎

  16. Managing high-risk situations is central to relapse prevention (Marlatt GA, Gordon JR, eds. Relapse Prevention. Guilford Press, 1985; summary: Larimer ME, Palmer RS, Marlatt GA. Alcohol Research & Health 1999;23(2):151–160) and to cognitive therapy for addiction (Beck AT et al. Cognitive Therapy of Substance Abuse. Guilford Press, 1993). Larimer et al. 1999↩︎

  17. Gollwitzer PM, Sheeran P. “Implementation intentions and goal achievement: a meta-analysis of effects and processes.” Advances in Experimental Social Psychology 2006;38:69–119. Across 94 tests, if-then plans had a medium-to-large effect (d ≈ 0.65). Strong research, though not on sexual urges. doi↩︎

  18. Schultz W, Dayan P, Montague PR. “A neural substrate of prediction and reward.” Science 1997;275(5306):1593–1599: in monkeys, dopamine neurons dip when an expected reward doesn’t arrive. Bouton ME. “Context and behavioral processes in extinction.” Learning & Memory 2004;11(5):485–494: a review, mostly of animal research, showing that new learning sits on top of the old and depends on context. Neither has been studied with sexual urges. PMID 9054347 · PMID 15466298↩︎

  19. Vella-Zarb RA, Cohen JN, McCabe RE, Rowa K. “Differentiating sexual thoughts in obsessive-compulsive disorder from paraphilias and nonparaphilic sexual disorders.” Cognitive and Behavioral Practice 2017;24(3):342–352. A clinical paper. Distress alone doesn’t reliably separate OCD from other sexual thoughts, and the paper sets out the questions clinicians use to tell them apart. doi:10.1016/j.cbpra.2016.06.007↩︎

  20. American Psychiatric Association practice guideline (Koran LM, Hanna GL, Hollander E, et al. American Journal of Psychiatry 2007;164(7 Suppl):5–53) and NICE guideline CG31. Both name CBT with exposure and response prevention (ERP) as a first-line treatment for OCD. Therapist directory: iocdf.org/find-help. PMID 17849776 · CG31↩︎

  21. American Psychiatric Association practice guideline (Koran LM, Hanna GL, Hollander E, et al. American Journal of Psychiatry 2007;164(7 Suppl):5–53) and NICE guideline CG31. Both name CBT with exposure and response prevention (ERP) as a first-line treatment for OCD. Therapist directory: iocdf.org/find-help. PMID 17849776 · CG31↩︎

  22. Stop It Now (US): confidential, toll-free helpline at 1-888-773-8368 for anyone concerned about their own sexual thoughts or behaviors toward children, with chat and email. Stop It Now UK and Ireland (Lucy Faithfull Foundation): free, confidential, and anonymous, on 0808 1000 900. Checked October 16, 2026; hours change. Get immediate help · How can I find confidential help? · Worried about your own thoughts, feelings and behaviors · Helpline↩︎

  23. Vella-Zarb RA, Cohen JN, McCabe RE, Rowa K. “Differentiating sexual thoughts in obsessive-compulsive disorder from paraphilias and nonparaphilic sexual disorders.” Cognitive and Behavioral Practice 2017;24(3):342–352. A clinical paper. Distress alone doesn’t reliably separate OCD from other sexual thoughts, and the paper sets out the questions clinicians use to tell them apart. doi:10.1016/j.cbpra.2016.06.007↩︎

  24. The US prescribing information for pramipexole and for carbidopa-levodopa, both used for Parkinson’s disease, warns of increased sexual urges. The label for aripiprazole (Abilify), an antipsychotic also prescribed as an add-on for depression, lists compulsive sexual urges. DailyMed · DailyMed · DailyMed↩︎

  25. Hallberg J, Kaldo V, Arver S, et al. “A randomized controlled study of group-administered cognitive behavioral therapy for hypersexual disorder in men.” Journal of Sexual Medicine 2019;16(5):733–745. 137 men were randomly assigned to seven weeks of group CBT or a waiting list. Symptoms fell more with CBT, and the gains held at six months. One trial: promising, not proven. PMID 30956109 · PMID 32900671↩︎

  26. Qaseem A, Kansagara D, Forciea MA, et al. (American College of Physicians). Annals of Internal Medicine 2016;165(2):125–133: CBT for insomnia as the first treatment for chronic insomnia (strong recommendation, moderate-quality evidence). Edinger JD et al. (American Academy of Sleep Medicine). Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine 2021;17(2):255–262. PMID 27136449 · PMID 33164742↩︎

  27. Checked on each service’s official site on October 16, 2026: 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (988lifeline.org); 9-8-8 Suicide Crisis Helpline (988.ca); Samaritans (samaritans.org), for the UK and Ireland; Lifeline Australia (lifeline.org.au); Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com), which lists helplines in over 175 countries. 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline · 9-8-8 Suicide Crisis Helpline · about 9-8-8 · Samaritans · Samaritans Ireland · Lifeline Australia · Find A Helpline↩︎

  28. Hops have no studies on men’s testosterone or libido; chasteberry has no data for lowering desire; spearmint has been studied only in women with polycystic ovary syndrome; and soy doesn’t affect male hormones. See the guide to anaphrodisiacs. PMID 35102364 · PMID 16934044 · PMID 15783241 · Roemheld-Hamm 2005 · PMID 9021345 · PMID 19585478 · PMID 19524224 · PMID 33383165↩︎

  29. Turner D, Briken P, Grubbs J, et al. “The World Federation of Societies of Biological Psychiatry guidelines on the assessment and pharmacological treatment of compulsive sexual behaviour disorder.” Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience 2022;24(1):10–69. Psychotherapy first; SSRIs or naltrexone are options a doctor may discuss. PMID 37522807↩︎

  30. Dickenson JA, Gleason N, Coleman E, Miner MH. “Prevalence of distress associated with difficulty controlling sexual urges, feelings, and behaviors in the United States.” JAMA Network Open 2018;1(7):e184468. A nationally representative survey of 2,325 adults aged 18 to 50; 10.3% of men scored at or above the screening cutoff. A screening score, not a diagnosis. PMID 30646355↩︎

This guide is education, not medical advice. Read our medical disclaimer and editorial standards.